I remember my first panic attack very well. I can play it in my mind like a movie.
It happened 10 years ago while I was at work. I was sitting at my desk, working at the computer as I do, and I recall a sudden rush of energy flood my body. A sensation like a wave went from the base of my spine, up my back, up my neck, and over the back of my head leaving a tingling sensation all over my skull.
My eyes grew large and I remember thinking, “What the hell was that?” I then tried to shrug it off and refocus on what was at hand. However, there was no getting off the hook as I experienced a second wave of the same sensations and again wondered what was going on.
My First Flight
After the second wave my eyes were wide and I was full of anxiety waiting for the next wave of whatever that feeling was. I felt compelled to get up out of my chair and get outside. I left my desk and went for a walk outside for a while. The whole time I was wondering what had happened to me? What was going on? Was it going to happen again?
I had not a clue that what I was experiencing was a panic attack and that I was also having anticipatory anxiety about having another panic attack-a vicious psychological and physical cycle of thinking and emotions.
Educating Yourself
The next few days were full of anxiety and dread. I went to the doctor and remember being asked, “Do you feel an impending sense of doom?”
What? The word “doom” made me think of ‘fire and brimstone’ not what I was feeling. I said, “No.”
The doctor was asking the right question, but the phrasing was a bit off and I missed the chance at getting help from the get-go.
I then went about my day-to-day business with this new jacket of anxiety I was wearing and getting ’shocked’ with panic attacks every so often. I felt so alone and wondered if I was alone with these feelings. Was I going crazy? What is going on with my mind and my body?
Those first months were very hard. Not knowing what is going on and feeling so alone is an experience no person should have to endure. Luckily for me I started to get educated about panic and anxiety and begun to find treatment-it has been quite a journey.
That is why this web site exists, to let you know that you are not alone in this journey.
The circumstances of our lives may be different, but those of us who have lived with chronic anxiety and panic of any form have a shared experience that has to be lived to truly understand.
I am glad you are here.
May it be of benefit.
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